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Is 'happily ever after' really possible? Yes, says relationship expert Paul Friedman.
Read segments of this heart-warming interview between Damien Allen of Vertio.net and Paul Friedman, Relationship Expert and Author, of Lessons for a Happy Marriage (and our Expert!) Paul feels that 'marriage was meant to last a lifetime'. We think so too!
You can also listen to this interview. Just click on the WeddingDetails Radio banner on the left. I hope you'll agree that loving communication between you and your new spouse is possible.
Our site is dedicated to helping you plan your special day. If you have a tricky wedding question, just ask our experts, Lois, Sally and Paul. You can even contact our Vendors if you are looking for something in particular, but can't seem to locate it.
Congratulations on your engagement!
Linda Missler
WeddingDetails
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DAMIEN: What are the ingredients for a happy marriage?
PAUL: Well, that's a very good question, and I find that most people unfortunately throw in the wrong ingredients to end up with an unhappy marriage rather than focusing on putting in the right ingredients.
I like to tell people that if something seems to be hurting, they should stop doing what is causing the pain. In most cases the pain is caused truly by people abusing each other in the marriage. They become over familiar with one another and this is a very common thing, it actually begins long before they are standing before the alter.
Where couples tend to become very familiar with each other, and they follow the routines they see in sitcoms, etc., and they make fun of each other, they do things that they wouldn't really do in front of someone that they really appreciated.
One of the great examples I like to give is that I asked someone, well if you were standing in front of the Dalai Lama or something, would you burp in his presence? Actually I use a different term, but burp is fine and of course people would be aghast to think that they would do anything to offend the Dalai Lama, and then I remind people, well the person that you want to marry or that you have married is literally the most important person in the world to you, and if you treated them that way from day one until the end of your life, the response you would get is exactly what you want which is an appreciation of you, love for you, love for your behavior, and everything that you could ever hope for in a marriage.
So the first advice I always give people is if your mouth is just dying to say something sarcastic or teasing, or mean, or complaining, tell your mouth to not open. Think about what it is you're going to say and ask yourself if that were said to me how would I feel about it? And then don't say it and replace it.
Say something that is extremely supportive and loving so that the person who you have chosen to live with the rest of your life feels honored by you. |
DAMIEN: What are three things you should say to each other every day?
PAUL: Three things that you should say. How did you know that there were three?
DAMIEN: All good things come in threes.
PAUL: Ok. Number one is "I Love You." And there is no limit to how many times one should say I love you. There is no occasion where I love you is not an appropriate thing to say.
Number two, almost as important, has to be said at least one time a day is "I Appreciate You." And that can be said in different ways. It could be said by describing how good you're looking, or how wonderfully you did something. It's nice to slip in the world appreciation, it sort of has a magic tone to it, but you should definitely acknowledge your appreciation of your mate.
The third thing is "Honey, you look so beautiful today." Or "Sweetheart I don't think I ever remember you ever being so handsome as you are today, you get better looking every day." So those are the three things that will definitely help. |
DAMIEN: What do you see as the root causes of marital problems, and what are some of the red flags a newly engaged couple should watch out for?
PAUL: Well the first thing I would like to suggest to people is to really confirm, no matter how close you are to the date of your marriage, really confirm that you are compatible with the person who you have decided to be married to.
The greatest pitfall is that people fall in love, and they allow their heart to overrule their mind. Remember what it is that you're getting married for, and if you don't have a memory of why you're getting married, go back and ask yourself what is the happiness that I'm seeking.
What about being married is going to create happiness for me? Is it having a family, is it having children? Is this the right person for me to have children with? Will they be a good parent? Will they be loyal? Do they have the same deep commitment that I have to the very things that I have deep commitments to?
I will give you a great example. Some people get married without knowing what the other person's views on abortion are. And for some people their view on abortion is very, very important. How will it be for you if the person you are about to marry is completely opposite about that?
There are other hot topics as well. You need to delve into this. It would be much better to be a jerk now than three or four years from now when you're about to have a baby and realize I can't live with this person.
So step number one is Do your homework. Really know the person you want to marry, make sure. It is cheaper, it is less strenuous. It is just better.
Then make sure you are treating them correctly, make sure you have the same vision of the future. Know where you're going together. I like to tell people you are going on the longest journey of your life with one person. Would you even go on a one week trip with someone who you don't know very well and aren't sure whether they like all of the things that you like, and I'm not talking about Italian food versus Greek food. I'm talking about the most important things to you.
It's very important if it's overlooked. And then the next thing goes back to what we have started talking about. Be careful to treat the person you are going to marry with the upmost respect all of the time. Even if they are not treating you that way. Don't allow your behavior to be conditioned by how you're behaving.
And that goes back to when your mom used to say, "If everyone is going to jump off the bridge, are you going with them?" The truth of the matter is most of tend to be reactionary, and it is a very slippery slope, because if someone mistreats you accidentally or even intentionally, and you react and they react and you react, you're pretty soon in a trench. Neither of you will be happy.
So your behavior should be positive, quality behavior regardless of how you're being treated, and the way you make sure that that is the case is by remembering that there is only you who can control you and the other person cannot be controlled by you. They have to control themselves, and if they aren't doing a good job of it, all you can do is still control you. |
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WEDDING TRADITIONS: JAMAICA
The wedding cake is of great significance in the Jamaican culture. Traditionally, the Jamaican wedding cake is a fruit cake laced with a dizzying amount of rum. As soon as the engagement is announced, it is the responsibility of the grandmother of the groom to soak dried fruit in white overproof rum for the duration of the engagement.
The grandmother or mother of the bride then bakes the cake a week before the wedding. It is then carried to the venue, in a procession led by the matriarchs of the village, on the morning of the wedding. |
 DAMIEN: What is the number one budget recommendation you would have for a newly engaged couple?
PAUL: To live within your means. Remember that it is much easier to face internal and external adversaries with the person you love. If you start blaming them for what is happening to you in this world, you've completely missed the point.
This world is a tough place; there is no question about it. When you get married, you are choosing to address the world with someone who you love and trust. They may slip at times, and they may turn on you, but you should never turn on them.
It always goes back to the same thing. You're responsible for you, not for them, and you are responsible to them. |
DAMIEN: What should be done when me and my spouse start running into problems. Who should we turn to first?
PAUL: That is a very good question. I have written an article. It is on my website about how to find a marriage counselor and the steps to use and I recommend that people read that, but most people honestly don't need a marriage counselor.
Most people can literally get everything they need out of the book I have written, because the book describes the laws, you might say, that contain us. And the greatest analogy I could use is the law of gravity.
There is nobody who would continue walking once they reached the edge of a cliff, because they know that if they do they're going to end up below the cliff.
Well the law of gravity doesn't have to be gone over in their head. They don't say, ok, now we're getting to the edge of the cliff should I keep walking if I think I'm going to fall, and I'm going to keep going until I hit something solid.
They don't have to say that, because they have grown up knowing the law. Unfortunately for relationships, we don't grow up knowing the law, and so we behave miserably. Well the book contains all of the laws. You might say the laws of cause and affect that pertain to relationships, and as I stressed before, the biggest law that people transgress is the law of common courtesy. People do not behave well. If I were to tell you, "My God, you have gotten fat." You're not going to be a happy camper.
DAMIEN: I didn't realize the video camera was on, I'm sorry.
PAUL: I used that merely as an example. I'm sure you look wonderful today. And that is a perfect example of how to work with the laws.
"Everyone is sensitive. Everyone."
Everyone is sensitive. Everyone. The person that we love and that we have chosen to be with is sensitive, and they need to be reminded of how wonderful they are, how sweet they are. How sweet it is for us to gaze upon them. How much we admire them and what they have done, and who they are, and how they speak, and how they smile, and so that is working with the laws, the spiritual laws of relationship. |
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If you would like to read more of Paul Friedman's interview, or listen to him, click on the WeddingDetails Radio button above.
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Family Bridal Shower Party - a funny video
Fun and games at the wedding shower of groom-to-be ERIC & bride-to-be LISA on Saturday, July 18, 2009. |
Our site is dedicated to helping you plan your special day. If you have a tricky wedding question, just ask our experts, Lois, Sally and Paul.
If you are not engaged, we hope you will send this information to an engaged couple. We're here to help couples (and their families) plan their wedding!
We hope you will choose to be our Beautiful Bride!
Linda Missler
Wedding Details
P.S. Hope you found this newsletter helpful. If you have a topic that you would like to see discussed, please let us know. info@weddingdetails.com |
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